Kashmir Issue – lighter Side

An ingenious example of speech and politics occurred recently in the United Nations Assembly that made the world community smile.

A representative from India began: ‘Before beginning my talk I want to tell you something about Rishi Kashyap of Kashmir, after whom Kashmir is named.

When he struck a rock and it brought forth water, he thought, ‘What a good opportunity to have a bath.’ He removed his clothes, put them aside on the rock and entered the water. When he got out and wanted to dress, his clothes had vanished. A Pakistani had stolen them.’

The Pakistani representative jumped up furiously and shouted, ‘What are you talking about? The Pakistanis weren’t there then.’

The Indian representative smiled and said, ‘And now that we have made that clear, I will begin my speech. ‘And they say Kashmir belongs to them……..

Scrabble

DILIP VENGSARKAR
When you rearrange the letters:
SPARKLING DRIVE

PRINCESS DIANA
When you rearrange the letters:
END IS A CAR SPIN

MONICA LEWINSKY
When you rearrange the letters:
NICE SILKY WOMAN

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROO M

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

REALLY FUNNY (old but good)

A Bihari was working in Mumbai & did not meet his wife for four (4) years while his wife was in Patna .

At the end of 4 years he distributed sweets to his colleagues in office stating that his wife had delivered a son.

His colleagues were quite shocked and they asked how this ‘Happy event’ happened when he had not seen his wife for four years….

The man said it is common in Bihar that neighbours take care of the wife (good Samaritans) when men are away.

The colleagues asked him, ‘What name will you give to the son?’

The man explained, ‘If it is the first neighbour that had taken care, the name would be Vedi;

If its the second neighbour,then it would be ‘DWIVEDI’;

If it is
the third neighbour then it would be ‘TRIVEDI’,

If it is the fourth neighbour then it would be ‘CHATURVEDI’;

If its the fifth neighbour then it would be ‘PANDEY’…..

After listening to this, questions followed.

What if
it is a mixture of neighbours?
‘Then the boy would be named ‘MISHRA’…

And what if the wife is too shy to tell the name of the neighbour?
Then it would be ‘SHARMA’….

But what if she refuses to divulge the name of the neighbour?
Then the name of the child would be ‘GUPTA’…

If she does not remember the name then?
‘It is YAAD-AV’

But who knows whether the child resulted from a rape?
Then it will be named ‘DOSHI’…

Finally, if the child happened because of wife’s burning desire?
Then he will be named ‘JOSHI’…

And if the whole country had made efforts for the happy arrival?…..
‘DESHPANDEY.’

Second Opinion!

The doctor said, ‘Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad
news is that it will require castration.

You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your
spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to
relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.’

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for.
He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he
was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he
was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he
realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning
and live a new life.

He saw a men’s clothing store and thought, ‘That’s what I need… A new
suit.’

He entered the shop and told the salesman, ‘I’d like a new suit.’

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, ‘Let’s see… size 44 long.’

Joe laughed, ‘That’s right, how did you know?’

‘Been in the business 60 years!’ the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, ‘How about a new
shirt?’

Joe thought for a moment and then said, ‘Sure.’

The salesman eyed Joe and said, ‘Let’s see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.’

Joe was surprised, ‘That’s right, how did you know?’

‘Been in the business 60 years.’

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, ‘How about
some new underwear?’

Joe thought for a moment and said, ‘Sure.’

The salesman said, ‘Let’s see… size 36.

Joe laughed, ‘Ah ha! I got you! I’ve worn a size 34 since I was 18 years
old.’

The salesman shook his head, ‘You can’t wear a size 34. A size 34 would
press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell
of a headache.’

New suit – $400
New shirt – $36
New underwear – $6
Second Opinion – PRICELESS

Pleasure?!

The Italian says: “Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream nonstop for five minutes.”

The Frenchman says: “Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with special aphrodisiac oil, and then we made passionate love. I made her scream for fifteen minutes straight.”

The Indian says: That’s nothing. Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with a special butter. I caressed her entire body with the butter, and then made love and I made her scream for two long hours.”

The Italian and Frenchman, astonished, asked, “Two hours, phenomenal! How did you do it to make her scream for two
hours?”…

The Indian: “I wiped my hands on the curtains.”

Newton’s Forgotten Laws

> LAW OF QUEUE: If you change queues, the one you have left
> will start to move
> faster than the one you are in now.
> **********
> LAW OF TELEPHONE: When you dial a wrong number, you never
> get an engaged
> one.
> **********
> LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR : After your hands become coated
> with grease, your
> nose will begin to itch.
> **********
> LAW OF THE WORKSHOP: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to
> the least
> accessible corner.
> **********
> LAW OF THE ALIBI: If you tell the boss you were late for
> work because you
> had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat
> tire.
> **********
>
> BATH THEOREM: When the body is immersed in water, the
> telephone rings.
************
> LAW OF ENCOUNTERS: The probability of meeting someone you
> know increases
> when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen
> with.
> **********
> LAW OF THE RESULT: When you try to prove to someone that a
> machine won’t
> work, it will!
> **********
> LAW OF BIOMECHANICS: The severity of the itch is inversely
> proportional to
> the reach.
> **********
> THEATRE RULE: People with the seats at the furthest from
> the aisle arrive
> last.
> **********
> LAW OF COFFEE: As soon as you sit down for a cup of hot
> coffee, your boss
> will ask you to do something which will last until the
> coffee is cold.

Energetic

A Chinese man arranges for a hooker to come to his room for the evening.
Once in the room they undress, climb into bed, and go at it. When finished,
the Chinese runs over to the window, takes a deep breath, dives under the
bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into the bed with the hooker and
commences a repeat performance. The hooker is impressed with the gusto of
the second encounter. When finished, the Chinese jumps up, runs over to the
window, takes a deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side,
jumps back into the bed with the hooker and starts again. The hooker is
amazed as this sequence is repeated four times. During the fifth encore, she
decides to try it herself. So when they were done she jumps up, goes to the
window, and takes a deep breath of fresh air, dives under the
bed,…and……finds
four Chinese men

Legal and Logical

After having failed his exam in “Logistics and Organization”,
a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.

Student, “Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?”

Professor, “Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!”

Student, “Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you
can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If
you however do not know the answer, I want you give me an ‘A’ for the exam.”

Professor, “Okay, it’s a deal. So what is the question?”

Student: “What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and
neither logical, nor legal?”

Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give
the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an ‘A’,
as agreed.

Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the
same question.

He immediately answers, “Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35
year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 25 year
old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you have given
your wife’s lover an ‘A’, although he really should have failed, is
neither legal, nor logical.”

Regional Appreciation

> One Bengali = poet.
> Two Bengalis = a film society.
> Three Bengalis = political party.
> Four Bengalis = two political parties.
> More than four Bengali’s = Countrywide agitation to bring Ganguly back
into the team.
>
> One Bihari = Laloo Prasad Yadav.
> Two Biharis = booth-capturing squad.
> Three Biharis = caste killing.
> Four Biharis = entire literate population of Patna.
>
> One Punjabi =100 kg hulk named Pinky.
> Two Punjabis = Pinky with his bigger brother Twinky.
> Three Punjabis = assault on the McAloo Tikkis at the local McDonalds.
> Four Punjabis = combined IQ equal to one.
>
> One Mallu = coconut stall.
> Two Mallus = a boat race.
> Three Mallus = Gulf job racket.
> Four Mallus = oil slick.
>
> One UP Bhaiyya = a milkman.
> Two UP bhaiyyas = halwai shop.
> Three UP bhaiyyas = a fist-fight in the UP assembly.
> Four UP bhaiyyas = mosque-destruction squad.
>
> One Gujju = share-broker in a Bombay train.
> Two Gujjus = rummy game in a Bombay train.
> Three Gujjus = Bombay’s noisiest restaurant.
> Four Gujjus = stock market scam.
>
> One Andhra ka Anna = chilli farmer.
> Two Andhra anna = software company in jhopadi.
> Three Andhra anna = Naxalite outfit.
> Four Andhra anna = Blue film with local casting.
>
> One Kashmiri = carpet salesman.
> Two Kashmiris = carpet factory.
> Three Kashmiris = terrorist outfit.
> Four Kashmiris = shoot-at-sight order.
>
> One Tamil-Anna = priest at the Vardarajaperumal temple.
> Two Tam = maths tuition class.
> Three Tam = queue outside the U.S consulate at 4 a.m.
> Four Tam = LTTE group.
>
> One Bombayite = footpath vada-pav stall.
> Two Bombayites = film studio.
> Three Bombayites = slum.
> Four Bombayites = the number of people standing on your foot in the
> train at rush hour.
>
> One Sindhi = currency racket.
> Two Sindhis = papad factory.
> Three Sindhis = duplicate goods shop in Ulhasnagar.
> Four Sindhis = Hong Kong Retail Traders Association.
>
> One Marwari = the neighbourhood foodstuffs adulterator.
> Two Marwaris = 50% of Calcutta.
> Three Marwaris = finish off all Gujaratis & Sindhis.
> Four Marwaris = threaten the Jews as a community.
>
> One Haryanvi = tube light
> Two Haryanavi = agriculture
> Three haryannavi= Lathi squad
> Four haryanavi = actually just one was enough
>
>
> One Rajasthani is a cattle-seller.
> Two Rajasthanis is a mason.
> Three Rajasthanis is a puppet show.
> Four Rajasthanis is a folk dance-drama.
>
> One Goan is Remo Fernandes.
> Two Goans is a Feni distillery.
> Three Goans is a football club.
> Four Goans is an all-night-long beach party.
>
>
> One Mangalorean is a supari seller.
> Two Mangaloreans can’t stand one another.
> Three Mangaloreans is an Udupi restaurant.
> Four Mangaloreans is a fanatical Konkani Sabha.
>
>
> One Maharashtrian is a bus conductor.
> Two Maharashtrians is a kabaddi match.
> Three Maharashtrians is a Ganpati procession.
> Four Maharashtrians is a Shiv Sena Shakha.
>
>
> One Kutchi is a kirana shop.
> Two Kutchis is a stationery shop.
> Three Kutchis is a saree shop.
> Four Kutchis is the entire Bombay retail trade.
>
>
> One Sardarji is a truck-driver.
> Two Sardarjis is a roadside dhaba.
> Three Sardarjis is a terrorist outfit.
> Four Sardarjis are always found in jokes.
>
>
>
> One Kannadiga is a coffee estate.
> Two Kannadigas is a Udupi restaurant.
> Three Kannadigas is a pepper powder factor.
> Four Kannadigas is an anti-Cauvery squad.
>
>
> One Punjabi is chhole-bathure 5 times a week.
> Two Punjabis is one bottle of whisky in one night.
> Three Punjabis is a public fist-fight.
> Four Punjabis is 200 kg of excess weight.
>
>
> One Parsi is a sentence punctuated with BC’s and MC’s.
> Two Parsis is a doctor and a lawyer.
> Three Parsis is a 75 year old man and his two unmarried sisters.
> Four Parsis is half their remaining population!

“Shall we go for a drink?”

The process in a Male and Female brain to answer the question:
“Shall we go for a drink?”